Goat Simulator


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Complete Review & Description

I’m pretty sure Goat Simulator is a joke, and I’m also pretty sure I’m the butt of that joke. I don’t mean the obvious sense of a joke either.
Clearly Goat Simulator is a jab at Farm Simulator and Train Simulator and all of those other games that give you deep and detailed control over something that most of us consider mundane. So when you’re doing a Game Jam, which is where Goat simulator was born, it seems like an easy comedic target, something you could run with and stretch into a fun little game.

Its humorous name leads you to watch the YouTube videos, to share the link with your buds on social media, and maybe, just maybe, to shell out money for it when it becomes available on your console. Let me save you from that last one: don’t.
The deal with Goat Simulator is that you aren’t a goat. You some weird alien thing that is vaguely in the shape of a goat. You can jump, you can stick your extraordinarily long tongue to things, you can collapse into a heap (aka ragdoll mode), and you destroy anything you touch. This gameplay should keep you entertained for a least 45 seconds, perhaps more if you have a particularly gleeful toddler playing with you.
There are extra modifiers you can apply to make the game more, I dunno, fun? You can get double jumps and a long neck and … look it really doesn’t matter because it’s the same crap over and over again.

Goat Simulator costs $10. Think about the huge amount of really good mobile games that you could’ve bought but didn’t because they cost $10, or even $5!
You may be able to tell how much I disliked this game. I struggled to find anything fun about it. I stuck the goat’s tongue to things like moving cars. I jumped on a trampoline. I found the “secret” gravity research station and mucked about on a half-pipe. None of it was fun. There was the initial “oh what’s this!?” but that was quickly followed by the realisation that really there was nothing to do.
The controls were pretty bad too. Just getting the goat to walk to a place was a hard task, let alone getting it to jump or slide or stick its tongue to something. Mix in poor camera movement and you really start hating this game.

Then you’ve got to think: why am I still paying this? There’s no goal, no storyline, no creation tools, no real reason to continue. The ability to break more stuff or find “easter eggs” isn’t an incentive to keep playing. Once you get the joke (hint: this isn’t a simulation) there really isn’t much more to do. You need so much patience just to explore the world.
One of the first things I did was stick the goat’s tongue to a moving car. I did it thinking maybe I could pick up the car, I was wrong. The car dragged the goat along the road with no derivation in its path, then it went through a tunnel and disappeared, leaving the goat lying in the road. From there it was impossible to leave the tunnel because the cars, which endlessly cycle through the world kept pushing me into the tunnel as they hit me.

It’s stuff like that, that makes Goat Simulator feel like it’s still a Game Jam creation and not something that is being sold for $10 as a finished product. I totally understand the creators wanting to ride the success of the hype they got on social media, I mean, how often does that happen?



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